Golden Boy
by Firevega21
Summary: You’re everything a boy could want. But Ryan doesn’t want you. Because you’re not him. (RyanMarissa, RyanSeth implied.)


Disclaimer: I do not own The OC. I never have. I never will.

Title: Golden Boy

Rating: PG

Warnings: Some language and slash.

Pairings: Ryan/Marissa, implied Ryan/Seth

Summary: You're everything a boy could want. But Ryan doesn't want you. Because you're not him.

Author's Notes: This is my first actual attempt at an OC piece. It's from Marissa's pov and it's a Ryan/Seth. I don't really know where it came from. I just 3 Marissa and I wanted to see something where she's the one who sees that Ryan and Seth belong together. Constructive feedback, please. I'm a total review whore. -

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You're beautiful.

And when you think this, you know that you're not being self centered or egotistical, because you've been told enough times by enough people that you truly trust, you've come to believe it by now.

You're smart.

And not just the average kind of smart, either. You could probably be some sort of genius if you put the bottle down for good and just concentrated on your studies.

You're everything a boy could want.

And, now that you think about it, you're everything a girl could want, too.

You're a train wreck.

And that's okay, because for some reason, some miracle, you've got this boy from Chino who seems to be willing to do anything for you.

It makes you smile sometimes, makes you feel safe and alive, because you know that you've got someone you can count on. Someone who will pick you up from the party when you've had a little bit too much to drink. Someone to listen to you bitch and complain about your horrible mother and the manipulative bastard of Newport Caleb. Someone who will hold you and stroke your hair and kiss your forehead and somehow make everything be all right again.

Ryan is a golden boy. A hero. Your White Knight. And you've never loved anyone so much in your entire life. No one has ever made you smile like he has, feel okay like he has. You've never been able to talk to someone like you've been able to talk to him. Sometimes, when you're lying down at night, you wonder if you could have made it through the past year without Ryan's help.

But Ryan doesn't want you.

Because you're not him.

You don't have out of control curls or gangly limbs. You don't babble until your face turns blue and you could never spend an entire day playing shuffle board with geriatrics. You don't listen to emo and you never named one of your plastic horses.

You're not Seth.

You're not Ryan, either, and that means you can't muster up the courage and self sacrifice to tell Ryan that it's okay he doesn't love you, that he deserves to be happy, that you can take care of yourself, that he doesn't have to be the one to save you anymore.

You really do love him. Of course, you think, if you really did love him, then you would let him go. You would turn around and try to fix him, for once.

But you're so afraid. You know that you can't help yourself, not yet, anyway. You still need him so much.

And you feel guilty. Because he hurts so much, and it's so obvious that staying dutifully by your side is the only thing keeping him from stomping up the stairs to Seth's room and just coming clean once and for all. You understand that everyday, there's this little place inside of him that's dying, and it's your fault, because you won't let him off the hook he seems to think he's been caught on. You know that if positions were reversed, he would kiss your cheek and tell you that he couldn't live with himself knowing he was keeping you away from the one you really wanted.

Ryan's selflessness was always one of the things that drew you to him.

You wish that you could kiss Ryan, hold him, touch him, and know for certain that he wasn't thinking of someone else. But that's never going to happen, and you were sure you were okay with that. But today, when you saw him, smiling while Seth went on about only God-knows-what, watching Seth's never stopping mouth, you saw that flicker of regret in Ryan's eyes and knew that he would have probably given anything in that moment to just _touch _Seth, just _once_.

And your heart broke.

A little laugh escapes and you wonder if maybe you're going crazy.

You pick up the phone and dial his number. It would be easy to do this over the phone, but you understand that this needs to be done face to face. So you tell Ryan to be at your house in five and when you hang up your heart is beating as fast as Seth talks and you ask yourself if you're doing the right thing. Then you practically slap yourself because, yes, for once, you most definitely are.

You put on some lipstick and look at yourself in the mirror. You wonder for a moment and smile, because you remember one time when Ryan did love you. He still loves you, really, just not in the same way he loves Seth.

Because he loves you in a way where he would do anything to save you from yourself. Loves you in a way that he worries and frets and tries so hard to be everything for you. He loves Seth in a way that he could finally take a breath and relax and have someone help him for a change. Loves Seth in a way where he only feels smiles and first touches.

And that's the kind of love Ryan deserves.

When you're door opens, and you see him, blond hair and wife beater and the kind of look in those blue eyes that signals he would do anything for you, you realize that you're done being selfish. You're done jumping only because you know Ryan Atwood will be there to catch you. You're done telling him you love him when you know that you're not the one he's really kissing.

That's when you tell him to sit down. That's when you tell him the two of you need to talk.

And when he looks relieved, you realize that you're not going crazy. You're just growing up.


End file.
